Lately, when it comes right down to writing posts, I’ve been getting … stuck. For a while I couldn’t really figure out why. Because, I have a lot to say! Fortunately, I recently started Dance of Shiva and have been working on this dilemma through that practice.
You haven’t heard of Dance of Shiva? It’s the wacky yoga brain training thing Havi & Selma are always talking about. I even wrote a guest post about my epiphany of Matrix proportions earlier this week on her blog.
After some time, I realized where my block was coming from.
Guilt.
Guilt because who am I really to be giving out health advice when for the last few years I’ve had such a hard time taking care of myself?
It really started getting bad a few years ago when I was working on my pre-med coursework and working full time in cubicle land. I started taking the easy way out — eating out more often, stopping at Starbucks more often, succumbing to vending machines, talking myself out of yoga or walks with friends.
And, what do you know … I gained an extra 30 pounds or so. (I’m not exactly sure though because I stopped weighing myself after the last meltdown I had in the dressing room at The Gap after going up yet another pants size.) Ugh!
Transitioning to grad school didn’t help much. Hours turned into days which turned into weeks and months (and years!) of sitting in the same room with bad lighting and bad air. I just couldn’t find it within me to pull myself out of this health funk. All while I was learning about how to help other people get more healthy. I know, the irony is just gross.
Once I recognized guilt as the source of my stuck, I had to give myself a break. I mean, this is exactly why I went into this profession and why I’ve started this blog. Because I totally get it. I get how hard it is when life is throwing all this stuff at you a mile a minute. I had to remind myself that I’m doing all this because it gives me the reason — the purpose — to also take care of my own health and wellness.
Through analyzing this guilt, I realized that I was stuck in a self-paradigm that was outdated. Because now, my yoga practice is back on track, meditation is back on track, I’m getting cardio exercise more, I’m gardening, eating way better, totally off coffee, and haven’t snuck a ciggie in well over a year! I’ve shed the weight and de-stressed.
It can happen. It just starts with that moment where you have to meet yourself exactly where you are, have a bit of stern (but nice!) conversation with yourself and start working those baby steps.
So, me being all stuckified (to steal a brilliant Havi term) over here about why I shouldn’t be having this conversation on this blog because I’m not perfect myself is just absurd. And silly.
And also completely normal.
This is something that we all tend to do from time to time, right? If we don’t look perfect or don’t feel perfect — or we are succumbing to some not-so-great habits — the monster comes out and we shut down. This just feeds into that negative cycle and we start to give up — little by little.
But the truth is we all have a purpose in this world. We all have something unique to give. Finding our strength, our health, our wellness from within can give us strength to start making these baby steps in the healthy direction. When we do this, we start to get out of our own way a little bit at a time. Over time these little moments add up and you will be amazed — astounded even — at the progress you really can make.
Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for this space and anyone who pops in here — for giving me the purpose to keep taking care of me.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, Danielle. Awesome stuff.
I always feel vaguely irritated by “wellness” professionals who are all “just do x”..Whatever x is, doesn’t really matter, it could be eating organic or exercising or whatever, which are all these super great things of course. But it is so easy to get caught up in this mental cycle of guilt and shame and to feel crappy about yourself in the process. Which is like the total opposite of wellness to me. And it’s so rare to hear anyone talk about these internal issues.
Anyway I just wanted to say that *you* are exactly the type of healthcare professional I would love to read more from
Excellent insights, with such a comforting, real, and accepting attitude. The world needs you. *Love.* ~ Eileen
Eileen´s last blog ..The Gumshoe’s Guide to Getting Off the Couch, Part 3: Station Identification
Thank you so much Eileen for your kind words!
I have the same vague irritation as well with the whole “wellness” concept. It’s like it’s presented to us in this black and white context so no wonder it’s all so intimidating.
I feel like the internal issues and finding the beauty inside the grey zone is where real wellness actually occurs.
Makes it a lot less stressful, anyway.
sounds like you are very focused and ready. I wish we were closer to come and visit you. glad you are finally done with school and out starting LIFE
miss you
Katie, you are just the sweetest! Big, virtual hugs to you.
D,
I just re read this and was reminded of what my dad has told me to do with guilt. (he likes to do a lot of visual exercises) He says place that guilt on a log and put that log in the river then watch it float away and around the bend. Say goodbye to that guilt. It is not productive for anyone. It has helped me a lot. I believe that is what you are saying here. I love your site!
I am totally psyched about The Dance of Shiva. I think I will get my own set o’ cd’s to work out my moments of stuckification. Thanks Dr. Danielle!
Hi Danielle.
This is going to be a very long post so get comfortable. Lovely to meet you by the way.
I got here kind of randomly and it always blows my mind when we get the teaching we need exactly when we need it, in the places where we least expect it. That’s what happened to me when I wound up on your blog. Synchronicity is a beautiful thing.
“There’s no place for guilt in wellness.” Totally profound. This is my burning issue in life right now. I’m a life coach and one of my main areas of focus is working with women’s food and body issues (specifically women who eat for emotional reasons). Once I got into coaching school I stopped working out and starting eating a lot more and gaining weight. I realized that I had been so over focused on dieting and exercise my whole life and I just didn’t want to attend to it for a while. I wanted to focus on my studies and not have to navigate the hungry state that I had grown accustomed to keeping myself in. And frankly there are only 24 hours in a day and working a full-time job, going to coaching school and keeping up with the course work took up every moment I had. I realized I could continue making sure I get to the gym six days a week on top of everything else I was doing OR I could do really well in school, not lose my job, and maintain some sanity but I could not do both. I chose the latter.
Fast forward two years later: I run a workshop called Feed Your Soul, Feed Your Body that helps women to get in touch with what’s driving the need to turn to food. But now I’m the heaviest that I’ve been in a long time and I’m struggling with finding a balance because I feel so overwhelmed by the weight gain that I get totally disgusted and lose all motivation to do anything about it. After reading your post it occurs to me that feeling overwhelmed and powerless over their bodies is the reason why a lot of women eat compulsively. So when I read the line: “who am I to be giving health advice when I’m so stuck myself” my entire being resonated with it. It is so reassuring to know that someone else is struggling with this same thing and is brave enough to talk about it. Every time I go out of balance with my food I think, “you are a total hypocrite.” But yet when I read your blog the following things come to mind:
When we have been through something, we are in a much better place to help other people with that issue. If we are totally perfect all the time, we’d have nothing to write about, discuss or give examples of. If we had it all figured out and mastered then we would end up preaching and really, how compelling is that? Frankly, after reading this post it makes me want to work with you more than if I had not known the backstory. Much more.
I think one of the major components of doing healing work is compassion and if you’re struggling with something yourself it breaks down the barriers of communication with your client/patient because you instantly “get it” –you’ve already been there so there’s no need for long explanations.
How can you advise others on finding balance/maintaining good health/feeding their soul so they inherently know how to feed their body, etc. if you haven’t had to struggle with it yourself? And if you still struggle occasionally that only adds to the depth of what you’re giving. It doesn’t make you a hypocrite–it makes you human and I’d much rather work with a human than the alternative any day.
Danielle, thank you for a beautiful, thought provoking post. This was just what I needed today.
Cathy´s last blog ..A Remembrance of Bathing Suits Past
Very nice article Danielle.
Love you
Grandma