Lately, when it comes right down to writing posts, I’ve been getting … stuck. For a while I couldn’t really figure out why. Because, I have a lot to say! Fortunately, I recently started Dance of Shiva and have been working on this dilemma through that practice.
You haven’t heard of Dance of Shiva? It’s the wacky yoga brain training thing Havi & Selma are always talking about. I even wrote a guest post about my epiphany of Matrix proportions earlier this week on her blog.
After some time, I realized where my block was coming from.
Guilt.
Guilt because who am I really to be giving out health advice when for the last few years I’ve had such a hard time taking care of myself?
It really started getting bad a few years ago when I was working on my pre-med coursework and working full time in cubicle land. I started taking the easy way out — eating out more often, stopping at Starbucks more often, succumbing to vending machines, talking myself out of yoga or walks with friends.
And, what do you know … I gained an extra 30 pounds or so. (I’m not exactly sure though because I stopped weighing myself after the last meltdown I had in the dressing room at The Gap after going up yet another pants size.) Ugh!
Transitioning to grad school didn’t help much. Hours turned into days which turned into weeks and months (and years!) of sitting in the same room with bad lighting and bad air. I just couldn’t find it within me to pull myself out of this health funk. All while I was learning about how to help other people get more healthy. I know, the irony is just gross.
Once I recognized guilt as the source of my stuck, I had to give myself a break. I mean, this is exactly why I went into this profession and why I’ve started this blog. Because I totally get it. I get how hard it is when life is throwing all this stuff at you a mile a minute. I had to remind myself that I’m doing all this because it gives me the reason — the purpose — to also take care of my own health and wellness.
Through analyzing this guilt, I realized that I was stuck in a self-paradigm that was outdated. Because now, my yoga practice is back on track, meditation is back on track, I’m getting cardio exercise more, I’m gardening, eating way better, totally off coffee, and haven’t snuck a ciggie in well over a year! I’ve shed the weight and de-stressed.
It can happen. It just starts with that moment where you have to meet yourself exactly where you are, have a bit of stern (but nice!) conversation with yourself and start working those baby steps.
So, me being all stuckified (to steal a brilliant Havi term) over here about why I shouldn’t be having this conversation on this blog because I’m not perfect myself is just absurd. And silly.
And also completely normal.
This is something that we all tend to do from time to time, right? If we don’t look perfect or don’t feel perfect — or we are succumbing to some not-so-great habits — the monster comes out and we shut down. This just feeds into that negative cycle and we start to give up — little by little.
But the truth is we all have a purpose in this world. We all have something unique to give. Finding our strength, our health, our wellness from within can give us strength to start making these baby steps in the healthy direction. When we do this, we start to get out of our own way a little bit at a time. Over time these little moments add up and you will be amazed — astounded even — at the progress you really can make.
Right now, I’m feeling very grateful for this space and anyone who pops in here — for giving me the purpose to keep taking care of me.
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